Through the Looking Glass

Colossal Failure. In looking back at where I've been the last year, I've taken a few minutes to read through the blogs that I've posted. And unfortunately, it's a whole lot of smoke and mirrors. I did not lose 20 pounds, I did not eliminate 40% of credit card debt, and I did not find sublime happiness. I didn't get a dog. I even kissed my best friend. And we see where that's left me. Whew. Now that's all out in the open, what am I going to do about it? Can I just say that I'm a work in progress? Can I just say that maybe I'm just living in the past? Can I accept that this may be the new definition of me? ABSOLUTELY NOT.

It's back to the drawing board. Time to come up with a new plan. A realistic plan. Although I have no idea what that may be.

You can never go home again.

In nine months or so, I'll face those who were so instrumental towards my opinions of myself. It's the one hundred eighty-some-odd people with whom I shared a graduation stage. It's been nearly ten years since I've seen most of them, yet I think about them daily. Our upbringing determines my daily actions. I become a successful interior designer and lead a jet-set life because they married young, bore several children, and never left home. I am determined to shed the extra twenty pounds because they didn't. For as mousy and unnoticed as I was then, I'm determined not to be now.

I know it's horrible and I know it's vain, but it's something that I've been thinking of since May 21, 1999. What I'm starting to wonder, is what happens the day after? How will I feel then?